


Together

by forgetmenotjimmy



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Grief/Mourning, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Sex, Love, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), References to Deaths in Canon, Shay is Team Sevasey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-31 10:50:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17848055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetmenotjimmy/pseuds/forgetmenotjimmy
Summary: Practically the poster boys for emotional suppression, Matt and Kelly find ways to love each other.





	Together

**Author's Note:**

> Originally a song fic ‘I Wish I Could Let You Love Me’ from Kelly’s perspective, this grew out of control when Matt insisted on having his say.  
> Set in season 7 after Matt’s place burns down and Naomi leaves, Shay is alive, that is all.  
> Unbeat'd so let me know if you spot any niggles, thanks!

Even as he was creeping out of the apartment, closing the door gently behind him, Kelly knew that he was making a mistake. He shouldn’t have gotten up, shouldn’t have even moved from where he’d been sprawled. It had been warm in the bed, comfortable – the gentle snores of his bed mate reassuring and the sight of that soft, pale skin laid bare before him all too tempting. He should have stayed. But all the reasons he had for staying were the exact reasons he had for leaving.

It had been too perfect, so perfect that his skin had begun to itch and he’d become jittery. So he’d slowly inched away from the blonde beauty sleeping soundly, trying and failing not to imagine the disappointment on that exquisite face when he would wake and find himself alone. He’d been unable to help the soft whisper of apology as he’d shut the door quietly.

Out in the cold night air, he shivered and cursed himself. He just knew that he’d end up haunting a bar until closing, or stumbling into a stranger’s appointment for a quick fumble. Neither place could hold a candle to the tableau he’d left and yet he couldn’t have stayed. Matt Casey knew him better than anyone – save for Shay – and every time Kelly let him close, this panic would erupt inside him. He’d find himself picturing all the ways it could end. All the ways it would end. And it hurt – it pierced him right through the chest – images of Matt’s disgusted expression or cold eyes, packed bags and even swinging fists, all crowding his inner eye.

So his chest would tighten and his heart would race and he’d bail. Feeling like a coward even as he sped away. It wasn’t fair on Matt, it wasn’t fair on himself, but he just couldn’t help it.

He had tried, he had really tried. There had been a whole stretch where the two had enjoyed nights out and even days spent together. As long as Kelly hadn’t called them dates in his head, he’d been able to act normally. They’d have fun and be comfortable and make memories that Kelly would cherish forever. Then whenever they ended up in bed, the anxiety would hit him, build and build until he couldn’t stand it and he’d run.

What the Hell was wrong with him? Here was someone perfect for him – good and loving and understanding. Someone who could comfort him just with his mere presence, or make him laugh with just a look, or set him on fire with a single touch, and he couldn’t even stay the night? Let alone commit to a serious relationship. It was insane. He felt insane.

He didn’t even know where it came from. Shay had once assigned blame to Renée, saying that ever since her betrayal, Kelly hadn’t been able to trust anyone with his heart. He’d rather run than give anyone another chance to hurt him. Whilst there was some merit to this theory, he knew that it wasn’t the whole story. It was true he’d been devastated by her infidelity; she’d been his first true love and at the time, it felt like his last. Her tear-filled confession – complete with broken voice and actual hand-wringing – had cut him almost clean in two. Rage and hurt warring inside his shattered frame. He’d reacted badly; shouting over her excuses and trying to hurt her back, jabbing at what he knew were soft spots.

Then she’d gone and gotten into an accident and he’d felt even worse. He’d realised that no matter what she’d done, he still loved her and never wanted any harm to come to her. From then self-doubt began to seep in. Maybe it hadn’t been all her fault. Maybe he’d done something to push her the other guy. Maybe he’d even driven her to it. There was something wrong with him. Something broken which had ruined their relationship.

After a while he was hardly angry at her and when he saw her brother again, he was just sad about the whole thing. At first he’d slept around to prove that he was over her. Then it became a way to quieten the scathing voices in his head. Sex, booze and the thrill of calls reduced them to a low-level buzz. People could say what they liked, but he had his life under control.

The messed up thing was that he was capable of opening his heart to someone again; like when he was with the second Renée – it had taken a while but he’d been able to see a future with her. He’d almost moved half-way across the world with her. In another life, he probably had and that Kelly might be very happy. The same thing happened with his beautiful Anna. Except that he’d fallen for her without even realising it – like a stone dropped into a lake, he’d sunk immediately. Then Life had ripped her away again and part of him hadn’t even been surprised.

He wasn’t meant to find ‘forever’. He was going to end up alone just like his old man. So whenever he and Matt were both single again and enough drink had been consumed, they usually ended up in bed together – furiously tearing at each other’s clothes and sucking hickies into each other’s skin. And after as any rounds as they could muster, they’d collapse in a sticky heap. Matt would drift off, a contented expression tentatively lining his face, as if he wanted to be happy but wasn’t sure he should let himself. Hope springs eternal, Kelly supposed.

As predicted, his latest chicken-out session had him waking up in a stranger’s room – head slowly being pulled apart by giant wrenches. After stealing a cup of coffee he managed to stumble home. The apartment was empty until he’d managed to shower and get changed. He heard the front door go from his room and prayed it was Shay. At least they’d be able to commiserate together over their hangovers and lack of love lives. As long as she didn’t find out about his and Matt’s latest hook-up – she always judged him super-harshly, telling him to either make it official or leave the poor boy alone.

Venturing out, he tried to hide his wince as he saw Matt at the fridge, chugging back some water after his morning run. He’d peeled off his sweater so was just in his tightly-fitted tee and shorts. Even just shy of his 40th birthday, Matthew Casey was still a boy’s wet dream. Despite his shame over ditching the man the night before, Kelly couldn’t resist stopping for an appreciative sweep. Maybe two, just to commit the view to memory. Sharp blue eyes snapped up and caught him. _Damn_. Weakly, Kelly waved and loped over.

“Want anything?” He offered as casually as he could with a dry throat. Still panting slightly, Matt shook his head.

“Got a shake.” Kelly wrinkled his nose, a firm believer in solid food for every meal, not some oaty-milk concoction. There were a few minutes of uncomfortable silence before Matt put down his shake and announced ominously.

“I think we should talk.” Alarms blaring in his head, Kelly joked.

“Who are you and what have you done with Matt Casey?” Rolling his eyes, Matt continued.

“Nothing scary, just…I want you to know that I get it now, why you leave.” Seriously contemplating turning around and abandoning his breakfast to escape his friend’s words, Kelly was left with nothing to say in response, couldn’t even ask what Matt thought he knew. Luckily, he didn’t have to say anything. “I used to think that it was me. That I wasn’t enough,” at this Kelly opened his mouth to protest, unable to bear hearing Matt doubt himself, but Matt just smiled a little sadly, “until last night.” Oh, so he _hadn’t_ been asleep as Kelly had crept out. He was further surprised as Matt went on. “I want to be with you, all the time. Before I was happy to settle for sometimes, for whatever moments we could steal for ourselves, but…if you want me too.” Despite his heart beginning to palpitate, Kelly couldn’t lie. Not to Matt.

“I do…it’s just-”

“Then we can try.” Mouth open, Kelly shook his head.

“You can’t just say that and make it all easy.”

“I know. I know it will be hard and we’ll probably fight a lot and go and sulk in our corners and want to give up. But I also know it’d be worth it.” Again, Kelly was left with his mouth hanging open – utterly speechless by this unexpected turn. His silence didn’t seem to surprise Matt, who just picked up the shake and said. “Think about it.” He left Kelly frozen in place before the smell of burning bacon snapped him out of it and he rushed to save his breakfast.

…

And think about it Kelly did, almost obsessively, all the time before their next shift. He bounced between certainty that any attempt at commitment on his side would fail and hope that perhaps they could do it together. Surely if Matt was with him, he could do anything. His life was already so much better with Matt in it; why not let him in completely?

Work was the same as ever, the two only crossing paths in the locker room, kitchen and on shared calls. Matt didn’t bring it up whilst they were alone which he appreciated as he still hadn’t decided. Shay had noticed his distraction, however, and cornered him in his office.

“What’s been up with you lately? Why are you avoiding Casey? Another fight?”

“What? No, we’re….” He sighed, not really wanting to get into it but at the same time realising he couldn’t sit on it forever. Maybe Shay could help him come to a decision. Glancing through the window to make sure no one was outside, he began.

“He asked me out.” Shay’s eyebrows shot up.

“Huh, go Casey.”

“And I’m going crazy because I want to be with him so much, but I can’t.”

“ _Why_ Kelly?”

“I just…”

y“Are you scared of getting hurt? Of anyone you could possibly go out with, Matt Casey is the least likely person to ever hurt you.”

“I _know._ I know he’s…he’s amazing. So strong and loving and just, whenever I think about it I feel like I can’t breathe…” He trailed off and Shay sighed.

“Oh man, you’ve got it bad.” She thought for a moment. “Maybe that’s the real problem.” Frowning, Kelly cocked his head and seeing this Shay waved a hand. “Hear me out. Maybe you have such an idealised view of what being with him would be like, that it’s putting too much pressure on you. You love him so much you’re freaking yourself out.”

“That…actually makes a lot of sense.” Grinning, Shay hit him on the arm.

“So just relax. How do you think he feels about being with you? Can’t be a breeze for him either.” Kelly considered it. Matt had seemed pretty calm and in control when he’d made the proposal that morning, but then again, he sounded more or less the same when he was running into burning buildings. He was a tough son of a bitch and so tightly controlled, only unwinding in the presence of his closest friends. Of course he’d treat declaring his desire to be with someone forever like facing a towering inferno.

“Dammit Matt.” He muttered, glancing in the direction of the man’s office. Shay’s grin widened.

“Go get ‘im tiger.” Stomach twisting, he got up and shook out his shoulders. Ignoring Shay’s enthusiastic thumbs up, he went to talk to Matt.

…

In his office, Matt was quietly losing his mind. Staring at the paperwork on his desk sightlessly, he tried to push away the increasingly dire fantasies of how Kelly would let him down gently. An awkward smile, shifting on his feet, looking away, looking anywhere but at Matt… Maybe he’d never be comfortable around Matt again. He must have misheard whatever Kelly had muttered when he’d left that night. After all, they’d never actually had a conversation about their…it wasn’t even an arrangement. What did you call falling into bed occasionally when you were both single and lonely and then waking up alone? It was just something they’d done, for years. Matt had made peace with the ache in his chest whenever he’d rolled over and found only cold sheets beside him – he wasn’t the one for Kelly and though it hurt, it was just how things were. No one’s fault, just how Life was sometimes. If anyone knew about Life’s cruelties, it was Matthew Casey.

But then, but then…He’d heard the whisper, sorrowful and tinged with self-loathing. After the front door had closed, Matt had rolled over and stared at the ceiling for a long time, thinking. He’d always assumed that Kelly had never stayed because he hadn’t wanted to – that he hadn’t had any desire to snuggle and wake up tangled together, spend lazy mornings talking about silly things, only getting up when they had to but holding onto the sleepy affection. He knew that Kelly was capable of doing those things, of feeling that closeness, that intimate love for another person. So he didn’t feel those things for Matt, the sex was good enough on its own – it had to be.

But then…that whispered apology, those damn words had opened up another possibility. Kelly _did_ share his feelings; he was just scared or otherwise reluctant to reveal them. So Matt took the plunge and laid his heart bare. He’d known that Kelly would need time to think but the waiting had taken a bigger toll on him that he’d anticipated and his certainty had been eroded by self-doubt.

Sighing, he tossed his pen onto the desk and put his head in his hands. _Get it together Matt, you cannot bring your personal stuff to work._ Breathing in deeply, he searched for that place in his mind where everything was quiet and still; the dark pool he would wade into and stay, knowing he was protected. Cold, but protected.

A knock on his door startled him and his head shot up. It was Severide. Drawing on the water from the dark pool, Casey waved him in.

“Hey, you got a minute?”

“Sure, what’s up?” Severide slipped in and closed the door behind him.

“About your, uh…” From the tight tone and uneasy expression, Casey instantly knew what he was referring to. His insides disappeared into a pit and he swallowed. _Be strong. Don’t let them see you break._ The oldest voice in his head reminded him. He nodded mutely and Severide nodded back, taking a deep breath. “You’re right. I do want you and I want to be with you…too much.” Matt’s brow furrowed. Severide shook his head in annoyance with himself. “I mean, I imagined such a perfect picture of being with you that I was psyching myself out.” After a long moment, Matt spoke into the silence.

“Okay. So…” Fingers twitching in and out of fists, Severide smoothed his hands on his pants and stated evenly.

“I want to try.” His lips twitched. “You’re probably right: we’ll fight and sulk and drive everyone else crazy with it all but…” a warm smile spread across his whole face, his whole being, “it’ll be worth it.” Matt found himself smiling back, body filling with light. Letting out a long breath which ended in a delighted chuckle, he cleared his throat and suggested.

“Go for breakfast tomorrow?” Kelly nodded and Matt stood, not with any plan, but before he could find out what would happen next, the bells rang. They shared a look before running to the rigs.

…

At breakfast, there was an air of ‘what now’? Despite his resolve, Kelly was feeling his familiar anxiety biting at his heels. Matt obviously sensed his nervousness because he sent him a reassuring smile which, because it was Matt, actually helped him relax. With respect to said jitteriness he avoided coffee, instead having a juice with his fry-up. Matt had a shake with his waffles drenched with every topping known to man because he was a big kid masquerading in a serious adult’s body. They ate, they discussed other things, instinctively finding their usual flow. When they were mostly done, Matt began steadily.

“So I think we should lay some ground rules, you know, talk about what worries us, maybe think of some things we can do to avoid being idiots.” Kelly huffed a laugh.

“Sounds good. You have anything in mind?”

“Well, we’ve had some spectacular fights,” Kelly nodded as Matt went on cautiously, “I think mostly because neither of us knows how to back down.”

“Very true.”

“So, we could come up with a phrase or signal which we use to take a time out, cool down and come back to it later.” Considering, Kelly could see it working and he said so. Curious, he said leading.

“You’re good at this stuff.” Hearing the implied question, Matt shrugged before his expression closed a little.

“Hallie was the one who introduced me to that.” Heart twisting at the obvious lingering pain, Kelly shut his mouth and searched for something not stupid to say. As he was floundering though, Matt’s features shifted and he smiled a little. “She was full of that stuff – said her psyche rotation had given her all the relationship tips she’d ever need.”

“You still miss her.” Bristling a little Matt said flatly.

“Of course I do.” Before Kelly could apologise, Matt beat him to it. “Sorry, I just…” He admitted quietly. “I loved Gabby too, but sometimes I felt that I moved on to quickly. You know? I mourned her and even though I was mostly back to normal, it was too soon to talk about her. Then…it was too late.” Kelly listened carefully, sure that this was the most Matt had ever talked about his deepest thoughts with him. Staring at his plate, Matt’s voice got quieter as he went on. “I still…I still love her and miss her and…sometimes I still wake up and spend the whole day not thinking about her until I see something or hear a joke and think about how much she’d love it.” Sitting back, he took a sip of his drink, signalling that he was done. Digging into his own pain, Kelly nodded.

“I feel the same way about Anna. Every so often I forget,” he took a deep breath, “that she’s not around anymore.” His throat closed up and he choked out. “God, we’re like a pair of old widowers.”

“Practically are.” Matt added with a small, fragile smile. He glanced quickly at Kelly before clearing his throat. “So you said you were psyching yourself out?” Following suit, Kelly tried to remain neutral as he explained.

“Yeah. After, uh,” he waved a hand and made shifty eyes until Matt got it, “well, I just feel really anxious and hot, like my heart’s racing and the blood’s going everywhere all at once.” Matt looked thoughtful as he ventured.

“You’re having panic attacks?” Presented with the possibility, it seemed so obvious. Forcing himself to be honest and not try and talk it down, Kelly twisted his mouth.

“I guess, or something similar.” Matt thought for another minute before pushing his plate away and leaning forward.

“Okay, I have something you can try when you feel one coming on.” Eager for advice, Kelly shifted in his seat and signalled for Matt to go on. “You have to picture somewhere you feel safe. Could be somewhere enclosed or open, depending on if you want to feel protected or not trapped.” Kelly closed his eyes and practised following Matt’s advice, his warm and calm voice guiding him through it. “Imagine a deep lake in a forest. The trees are tall and thick, almost making a ceiling. You go into the water and float on the surface. It’s so still, there’s no breeze, no sounds, just you and the water.” Huh, that was quite poetic for Matt. Kelly opened his eyes and was about to say so but stopped when he saw Matt fiddling with the straw in his drink. Matt fidgeting was never a good sign. Suddenly, he understood.

“That’s where you go.” Gulping, Matt nodded. Kelly flagged the waitress and asked for the check. “Let’s get out of here.” Pulling himself under control again, Matt nodded and put on his coat. They’d gone to work together that morning so Matt drove them back to the apartment in his truck.

Kelly refrained from bringing up the old joke about Matt not letting anyone else drive his trusty motor. He loved imitating the man’s common complaint ‘the transmission’s sensitive!’. He was glad that Matt was staying with him and Shay after his place had burnt down. It was the least Kelly could do for him.

When they were a couple of blocks away, Matt said suddenly.

“They’re not a regular thing.” Kelly glanced at him, taking in the stiff posture and tight jaw. He hummed to show he was listening but otherwise didn’t say anything. “Started getting them when I was a kid,” he huffed a sad, self-deprecating laugh, “thought I had an illness or something.” He shook his head and went on. “Anyway, I eventually read about them in this book I found at the library and I also found some techniques to help calm down. Once I got the hang of it, I’ve mostly been able to keep them at bay.” He opened his mouth as if to say more but then seemed to change his mind and closed it again. They pulled up to the apartment and before Matt could get out, Kelly said softly.

“Thank you.” Matt glanced at him in surprise, then he nodded and they went inside.

…

Over the next few weeks, the two treated each other unnaturally carefully. They’d decided to refrain from sex for the time being, as that seemed to be a trigger for Kelly’s anxiety. Instead the spent time together, sometimes talking, sometimes in a comfortable silence. They worked on Kelly’s latest boat, watched hockey, had meals together, even caught a movie once or twice.

Another thing Matt had bought up early in their trial was PDA. Whilst they’d been falling into bed together sporadically since they’d met, neither had ever been in a homosexual relationship. Both were uncomfortable about being seen in public holding hands with or kissing another man. Matt had always been awkward about affection in general. Kelly could still recall the early days of their friendship where Andy – being the high-energy goofball he’d been – had almost smothered the poor boy with friendly back slaps and bro hugs. The image of Matt stiffening, eyes going wide at the contact before relaxing was forever burned into Kelly’s mind.

At first he’d attributed the reaction to shyness but after fucking Griffin had opened his big mouth, braying about the murderous Casey family, he’d been shocked and saddened. He almost said something to Andy, thinking that he was pretty much harassing the man. But after Kelly, Andy and some others had helped cover up when he snapped and thrown Griffin on his ass, Matt was the one who initiated a hug with Andy. It had been tentative but Kelly had seen Matt’s face over his best friend’s shoulder – the almost childlike hope and joy struck him and he’d congratulated Andy silently in his head.

They’d never discussed it, nor did Kelly bring it up, but Matt did mention Hallie’s light touch in how she’d coaxed him out of his shell until he was up to exchanging kisses in public with her.

“You’re not worried about what the guys will say, are you?” Kelly asked.

“No.” Matt answered strongly, then reconsidered. “I mean, they’ll rib us like mad and make some inappropriate jokes but,” he shrugged, “nothing we can’t handle.”

“And Boden won’t have a problem unless we start making out in the House.” Kelly added, delighting in the way Matt coughed and looked away shiftily. He had totally fantasised about them doing it at the House. Grinning, he asked. “Your office?” Catching his eyes, and his meaning, Matt affected a nonchalant expression.

“I’m not sure what you mean.” Chuckling, Kelly just shook his head and continued seriously.

“I still think we should wait though, until…” He trailed off, not altogether sure what an appropriate benchmark would be.

“Until we feel ready.” Matt said simply and Kelly smiled. Looking back on how intimidated he’d been by the idea of a relationship with Matt, he seemed like a prize idiot. Of course Matt would understand him with little to no interpretation; of course he’d be easy and undemanding, completely tolerant of Kelly’s idiosyncrasies – Hell he knew most of them well by then.

By the time summer rolled around, Kelly had grown confident enough to try having sex again. Matt, who had been patient as a saint as always, couldn’t quite hide his excitement at Kelly’s announcement. In order to try and minimise the pressure on Kelly, Matt suggested that they try a daytime liaison so they could do something normal after and not leave Kelly to battle any doubts in a dark room. Once decided, there was an awkward pause before Kelly ventured.

“How about now? I’m free.” They were on the couch, both having finished their morning workouts. Matt licked his lips and replied breathily.

“Me too.” They sat staring at each other for a charged moment before leaning forward suddenly and almost braining each other. Laughing, Kelly took Matt’s face in his hands and guided them into a long, firm kiss. Matt’s hands found Kelly’s shoulders and they both moved closer, shifting through touch until they were practically on top of each other. They made out for a while, the friction building until Kelly pulled away, gasping.

“Bed.”

“Bed.” Matt agreed faintly and stumbled after Kelly.

The sex was great as ever – maybe even more intense due to their long ‘courtship’ that time around. After, when they were both spent, Matt flailed an arm out to the bedside table and retrieved some wet wipes. Kelly raised an eyebrow and Matt shushed him pre-emptively.

“They’re multi-purpose.” He mumbled as he cleaned them both. Kelly just chuckled, delighting in the way Matt could become so sheepish at times. It was adorable and not a side of the Captain that many people got to see. When they were mostly decent again, they moved back to the couch. Kelly was still feeling warm and fuzzy in the afterglow so he got the throw and arranged them both underneath it, snuggling as casually as he could. Matt just smiled to himself and didn’t comment. They channel-hopped for a while, not really watching anything. Mind starting to wander, Kelly braced himself for the familiar sense of panic to start. He waited and waited, but nothing. After a while, Matt asked quietly without looking at him. “Alright?”

“Yeah.” Kelly replied honestly. They sat together for a long while after that.

…

One day, about a month after they started having sex again, Matt woke to an empty bed. A familiar dread began to crawl up his insides but as he sat up, he forced himself to calm down; to wait until he knew what was going on before reacting. After a few’ daylight love sessions’ as Kelly had taken to calling them, they’d experimented with having sex in the evening.

The first time had been awkward as they’d both been thinking of what would happen immediately afterwards. This had made them both stiff and clumsy until someone’s elbow had landed hard on the lube bottle forcing a stream of the stuff to squirt all over the bed. They’d noticed at the same moment and had frozen in unison, watching the lube drip and glisten in the low light. Matt couldn’t remember who started laughing first, just that they’d both ended up cackling and pretend-shoving each other into the sticky stream. After they’d recovered their breath, they’d stripped the bed and had had a successful take 2 in the shower.

Matt recalled the hilarious incident as he got up and went downstairs, holding onto the laughter. The open-plan kitchen living room was empty – not even dishes in the sink. He tried to remember if they’d left them soaking or had cleared them away the night before. Standing in the middle of the room, he breathed.

Phone. Where was his phone? He hadn’t seen it on the side as he’d got up. Maybe he’d left it down there? He began to look for it; checking the side tables and behind the couch, the socks scattered around the room. The longer he went without finding it, the more frustrated he became – even more annoyed that he couldn’t remember what he’d done with it.

Giving up in the living room, he took the stairs two at a time before tearing up a bedroom, ripping open the curtains and rooting around. Sheets were pulled back violently, clothes tossed in the air until he heard a soft thunk. Freezing, he looked down and saw the outline of something small and solid under the sheet. He bent down and uncovered his phone, breaths short as he powered it up.

No new messages. He sat down on the bed, still holding the phone in one hand and the sheet in the other. Trying to organise his thoughts, he reminded himself that Kelly had managed to stay till morning on two occasions since their farcical first attempt. Those had been the best mornings Matt could ever remember having. They’d lazed around, mock-arguing about who would make breakfast; Kelly wondering aloud if they could order-in horrifying Matt’s innate thriftiness. They’d ended up staggering to the kitchen together and half-successfully made breakfast. A lot of things burnt or got soggy as they kept on making out or distracting each other with cheeky pinches or loving pecks (both times, they still hadn’t learnt).

Thinking about them made Matt want to cry and he closed his eyes, imaging the cold and calm water of his safe place; pushing down the protests that being with Kelly had meant being warm again. For the first time in a long time, he struggled to find his calm, fists tightening on the phone and sheet, arms shaking with the tension.

Distantly, a door slammed and there were footsteps – he hardly noticed them. Then the bedroom door creaked open slowly and someone crept in.

“Matt?” It was Kelly. Still fighting his fast-beating heart, Matt just grunted in reply. In an instant, Kelly was by his side. “What is it? What’s wrong?” Head snapping up, Matt croaked accusingly.

“I thought we were going to talk before-” he swallowed, “why didn’t you say anything?” Kelly frowned.

“About what? Me going to get milk?” Matt just stared at him before repeating stupidly.

“Milk?”

“Yeah.” Kelly confirmed slowly. “I saw we didn’t have any for you to make your terrible smoothies so-” he cut himself off as he realised, “oh Matt, I’m so sorry.” Rubbing his face vigorously, Matt shook his head.

“No, don’t- You didn’t.”

“I should have left a note or something.”

“It’s okay.”

“No!” Kelly was getting irritated. “It’s obviously not okay.” Standing, Matt finally let go of the sheet and put his phone down.

“I was just being stupid.”

“No.” Kelly disagreed firmly, watching Matt go over to the closet and look out some clothes. “Matt.” He called. His boyfriend didn’t answer, ostensibly focusing on getting dressed. Kelly stood in front of him and took the tee he’d been holding. “Matt, can you look at me, please?” Expression hard, Matt sighed and dragged his eyes up to Kelly’s.

“It’s no big deal-” He began but Kelly didn’t let him finish.

“It is to me. Anything that upsets you-”

“I’m fine.”

“God! Enough of this!” Kelly snapped, startling Matt with his vehemence. “Stop acting like nothing affects you – it’s getting kind of annoying living with your martyr act.” Gritting his jaw, Matt didn’t reply and Kelly sighed, tone softening. “You’re there for me when I need it, I just want to be able to help you once and a while. Especially when _I’m_ the one that screwed up.” Letting out a long breath, Matt nodded slightly and after hesitating a moment, leaned in and rested his forehead on Kelly’s shoulder. Gathering his boy up in his arms, Kelly closed his eyes and swallowed harshly as Matt began to sniff. He rubbed Matt’s back soothingly and listened as he choked out.

“I thought you- you’d gone.” He lost track of time, just holding Matt as he cried quietly and trying to keep his guilt and self-recriminations at bay. Matt wouldn’t want a pound of flesh or even an apology, though the worst he could suggest would be giving up on the relationship before he did any more damage. Kelly could only make things right by learning from this and resist the temptation to let Matt sleep undisturbed. At least for a long time.

When Matt had run out of tears, Kelly proposed softly.

“Maybe we need a system, like a chalkboard on the refrigerator or something.” Matt cleared his throat and said in a small voice.

“Sounds good.” Pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead, Kelly closed his eyes and relished the feeling of holding Matt in his arms. In a way, he never wanted the embrace to end but eventually Matt pulled away and cleaned up. They had breakfast together and then reluctantly went about their separate days, looking forward to returning that night.

…

One year later…

Matt had been right at the beginning: their relationship wasn’t always easy – mostly because they were stubborn asses more used to bottling up their feelings than sharing them. Fighting over the big things or letting bad shifts make them argue about stupid little things was still a problem they struggled with. The main difference being that now one or both of them would make an effort to calm down and propose a time out before too harsh words were yelled at each other. If their fight was about something stupid, the calmer one would remind the other of their support and the true cause of the bad mood or anxiety would be teased out. Then they’d comfort each other and talk it out – a big improvement on not talking for weeks before pretending nothing had ever happened.

By that time, the whole House knew and had known long enough that things had returned to normal. They were still teased once in a while but their rank spared them most of it and they didn’t exactly move in the same circles as the brass who grumbled about it. Shay had moved in with her girlfriend and they were expecting – Kelly of course having the honour of being god father.

“I’ll ask you for the next one, Matt.” Shay had promised, though Kelly had insisted that he and Matt came in a package-deal so the kid would be getting two-god fathers for the price of one. Matt had just laughed at their bantering, with that warm look in his eyes.

One day, Matt woke alone. He mourned the loss of a warm bed mate for a moment before getting up and dressed. Padding downstairs, he found Kelly in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He yawned a greeting before whistling at the spread.

“Special occasion?” Turning the heat down on the eggs, Kelly turned around and said nervously.

“Actually…there was something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” Matt paused in picking up a slice of bagel.

“Oh?” Kelly nodded.

“Was going to ask you last night but we were both so tired after the baby shower.” Matt huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, who thought that a party for a baby would have that much booze.” Taking a deep breath, Kelly got something oud of his pocket – a small box. He got down on one knee. Matt dropped his bagel. Voice shaking slightly, Kelly asked.

“Will you marry me?” Eyes wide, Matt stared for a long moment, before blurting.

“But _I_ wanted to do it!” Kelly joked.

“You snooze, you lose.” Then he smiled hopefully. “So is that a yes?”

“Yes!” Matt agreed, grinning. He helped Kelly up and kissed him hard. Then they began to laugh, Matt in happy disbelief, Kelly in sheer delight.

Later, when they were eating Kelly’s specially cooked pancakes and discussing how they’d tell everyone, Matt said suddenly.

“Something small.” Kelly cocked his head in confusion. Matt coughed and clarified. “The wedding. I think we should have something small, unless…” Kelly waved a hand.

“Small is good.” He grinned. “Maybe not a courthouse or Vegas wedding parlour.” Matt grinned back.

“Yeah, something dignified, tasteful.” He turned to Kelly and said seriously. “I’m really happy we’re together.” Kelly’s expression softened.

“Me too. Thanks for talking me into it.” Matt smiled again and knocked their shoulders.

“Anytime.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have this headcanon that Matt and Kelly revert to friends-with-benefits whenever they’re both single, assuming that the other doesn’t want a committed relationship. I loooove that they're living together again in the show!  
> So I'm still working on my next Chicago Fire fic, will be about 10 chapters and I'm on Chapter 1...so no breath holding.  
> Hope you enjoy!  
> :D


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